Tommy Tuberville Pissed Only Trans Folks Allowed To Play Sports Now, Dadgummit!

There are plenty of dumb members of the United States Senate. But Tommy Tuberville of Alabama may genuinely be in a class by himself. Every time the man appears in front of a TV camera — something he does quite frequently — he says something so gobsmackingly stupid that you would be justified in demanding an x-ray proving that his brain stem and his cerebrum are even connected. Maybe they are not! Maybe once during his football coaching days, he participated in a tackling drill that severed the two from each other with the neatness of a bandsaw slicing through a pine board, and now he’s just one big autonomic nervous system with zero capacity for higher reasoning.

Would such a separation explain the intense anti-trans bigotry that Tubs displayed on Fox Business’s “Sunday Morning Futures” this weekend? Eh, that’s probably letting him off the hook. Occam’s Razor would suggest he’s just a naturally dumb bigot, and who are we to argue.

Tubs was on to defend the Trump tariffs that are currently driving every financial market in the planet to burst into flames like they are a bunch of ants and some giddy child just aimed a magnifying glass at their anthill. But guest host Jackie DeAngelis also asked him about the other big story Fox wanted to talk about, which is the tragic tale of the Christian fencer who was disqualified from a tournament in Maryland because she refused to spar with a transgender woman.

We wrote about the fencing story last week. It is your usual whiny culture war stuff that so often acts as a path to 15 minutes of fame in the wingnut mediasphere for some rando who refused to bake a cake for a gay couple’s wedding or sued a neighbor for putting up one of those “Hate has no home here” yard signs in a place where the wingnut could see it.

DeAngelis asked Tuberville for his “take” on the story, which gave him the opportunity to wander through a word forest like Little Red Riding Hood as she made her way to Grandma’s house:

“We have entire men’s teams across the country now that are turning trans. Women’s teams, they’re turning trans. That’s going to be a situation where it’s going to pick up speed because these woke globalists are pushing kids to say, if you can’t compete in men’s sports, let’s just transition and say you’re a woman and participate in women’s sports. It is dead wrong, and we’ve gotta stand up against it, but the Democrats are all in on keeping this situation going.”

Entire men’s teams turning trans! Does this explain the UConn women’s basketball team soundly beating South Carolina on Sunday? Someone get some genetic testing kits up to Connecticut, stat!

For the record, the NCAA says that out of half a million or so students participating nationwide in college athletics, fewer than 10 are transgender. Yes, 10. With one zero.

Good God. The man sounds like an AI language model trained exclusively on Matt Walsh podcasts.

Earlier, we got Tuberville’s take on potential cuts to Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security. They are not cuts, he practically cried, we’re just reforming them and cutting the fraud! Which is what Republicans say every time they threaten to cut these programs. But there’s a reason, and please let the braindead football coach explain to you plebes how the government works:

“We run a huge business here. And this business right now is not going by the rules. I mean, it is absolutely just giving money away.”

With some politicians, you’d say that deep down, they know government is a service provider, not a business. No one expects to make a profit by funding Medicare and Social Security, because that is not the fucking point of Medicare and Social Security. Does Tuberville know this, though? We do not think he does.

We also got Tuberville’s thoughts on tariffs, as seen through the poor car companies and catfish farmers of Alabama, who are going out of business because Vietnam also dares to have both catfish and people who fish them for a living:

“Just in my state of Alabama, catfish farmers are going under because Vietnam is dumping billions of trash catfish and shrimp into our state, and they are going under, and we have to change course. And we have five car manufacturers in our state and they’re really not concerned because it’s going to help them sell more cars in this country. Eventually these cars will go out of the country and will be bought by Europe, which hardly buys any of our cars.”

Alabama has been complaining about Vietnamese catfish for a quarter of a century, and about Vietnam’s inherent advantage of their catfish constantly being rated by taste testers as the better fish. There have long been legislative moves to limit Vietnamese catfish imports, including ordering that they not be labeled as catfish so American consumers won’t get confused. The whole conflict has even been called the “Catfish Wars.”

Ironically, Vietnam’s president so far has been one of the only world leaders to offer to end all tariffs on imports from the United States if the US will do the same for imports from Vietnam. Needless to say, even this offer is unacceptable to the xenophobic bullies in the Trump administration, who are mostly concerned with bringing foreign nations to heel.

As for cars, Trump spokesghoul Stephen Miller just the other day was demanding Europeans buy more American cars as compensation for all the money the US has spent on Europe’s defense over the decades. But there are reasons Europeans don’t buy a ton of American cars. One is that American cars have not historically been as well made as those from other countries. Another is that Europe takes environmental emissions more seriously, and American cars often don’t meet their standards.

But another reason is that Europe has a lot of old cities and towns with narrow, cobblestoned streets that can barely accommodate two Vespas traveling abreast of each other. Imagine if Europeans had a thirst for American SUVs the size of Bradley Fighting Vehicles? The continent’s streets would be jammed up tighter than Donald Trump’s wallet.

Not that Tommy Tuberville would think about any of this stuff. Because he’s the dumbest member of the Senate. And we say this fully aware of the existence of Ron Johnson and Rick Scott and Marsha Blackburn and Jim Banks and Chuck Grassley and Tuberville’s fellow Alabamian Smilin’ Katie Britt and Rand Paul — how could we almost forget Rand Paul — and Markwayne Mullin and Mike Lee and …

You get the idea. And those are just on the Republican side! The world’s greatest deliberative body, indeed.

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