Self-esteem isn’t new, but a “self-esteem movement” of sorts started back in the 1970s, predicated on the idea that many of society’s problems were due to individuals’ low self-esteem.
Parents and teachers were encouraged to bolster children’s self-esteem, even though there really wasn’t much research to show this would actually improve grades, academic performance and future success.
Well, this was a failed experiment, and there are a few reasons why. To start, there are actually two types of self-esteem, defensive and secure. And one of them is not helpful.
What is self-esteem?
When someone has high defensive self-esteem, they appear to have a positive view of themself, but their self-esteem is actually very fragile, because they also have a lot of subconscious insecurities and self-doubts. They react very negatively to any criticism they may receive and need constant positive feedback to maintain their feelings of self-worth.
Just as low self-esteem can be a problem, so can high defensive self-esteem, since this relies on feeling above average, and we can’t all be above average, at least not all of the time.
The feeling that we are better than others or need to be better than others can lead to narcissism, and it certainly doesn’t help us form meaningful connections. Defensive self-esteem is fickle, contingent on how we think other people regard us, or on our most recent success or failure (thus it’s also called contingent self-esteem).
On the other hand, when someone has high secure (non-contingent) self-esteem, they don’t need reassurance from others to think well of themselves. Childhood experiences that contribute to secure, aka healthy, self-esteem include being listened to and spoken to respectfully along with receiving appropriate attention and affection, and — this part is key — having accomplishments recognized and mistakes or failures acknowledged and accepted.
To me, this sounds a lot like factors that can help build self-compassion.
Unfortunately, the way self-esteem is often “nurtured” in children falls more along the lines of “everyone’s a winner,” “there are no losers,” “you’re good at everything you do.”
Trouble is, sometimes we do lose, sometimes we do fail, sometimes we do make mistakes, and there may be things we attempt (and maybe even enjoy doing) that we’re just not very good at. And that’s OK…unless always being a winner and always being “good at things” is what your self-view is based on.
Self-compassion and the critical voice
Something I often talk about with clients is their relationship with their critical voice. You know, that little voice in your head that says you’re a loser, that you weigh too much, that you shouldn’t eat that, that you’ll never have any friends, etc.
There’s a reason we have a critical voice — it’s trying to keep us safe, albeit in a not-very-helpful way. We don’t want our critical voices to run our lives, but we can welcome our critical voice, talk to it softly and kindly (as you would, say a small child), and ask it what it’s afraid of. Because the critical voice is trying to keep us safe, it generally comes from fear. We can quiet that fear when meet our critical voice with compassion.
Often, the underlying fear is that if we do X or don’t do Y, then we won’t be able to meet one of the universal human needs. The needs I often see come up in this work are related to connection and belonging.
- “If I eat that food, I won’t lose weight, and no one will love me.”
- “Maybe I shouldn’t take that class I’m interested in, because if I don’t do well, then people will think I’m stupid and incompetent and they won’t respect me.”
It’s important to note that our critical voices don’t actually belong to us. They’re the byproduct of internalized oppression. But it’s also important to recognize the voice — rather than trying to run away from it, which only makes it stronger — and explore how it got in there in the first place.
Some of my clients come to recognize that their critical voice mimics that of a parent or grandparent. One client realized that her critical voice sounded exactly like the “mean girls” at school when she was a teen. Another identified her critical voice as belonging to a former boyfriend.
When needs are met…or not met
When our needs are met, we’re likely to feel one or more of these ways:
adventurous – engaged – loving
affectionate – excited – moved
alive – fascinated – peaceful
calm – friendly – playful
confident – glad – relaxed
content – happy – satisfied
curious – hopeful – tender
delighted – interested – thrilled
energetic – joyful – warm
When our needs are not met, we’re likely to feel one of these ways:
agitated – embarrassed – nervous
alarmed – exasperated – overwhelmed
ambivalent – flustered – protective
angry – grief – sad
annoyed – heartbroken – scared
anxious – helpless – stressed
confused – hopeless – suspicious
despairing – impatient – tense
devastated – irritated – terrified
disconnected – lonely – torn
discouraged – longing – troubled
Can you see why your critical voice might pop up if your needs are not met? Can you see why it might try to make you do/not do something, even if that action might not actually be helpful in the long run? Eating salads in front of friends so you “look disciplined” or not asking for a promotion so you don’t risk “looking foolish” will likely backfire when you overeat in private on the food you really wanted and you never advance in your career.
Why self-compassion is the winner
Compassion is noticing someone’s suffering or struggles and feeling moved by that suffering so your heart responds to their pain. You feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the person in some way. Compassion is also being understanding and kind to others when they make a mistake or experience a failure, rather than judging them harshly.
Turn that warmth and kindness and understanding and non-judgement towards yourself, and you have self-compassion. Unlike self-esteem the way most people are taught it, self-compassion is always available to us, although most of us need to cultivate it first. Self-compassion doesn’t require you to be “better” than someone else. You feel compassion for yourself because you are human, and all humans deserve compassion.
Which brings me to a key part of compassion, and self-compassion — the idea of common humanity. In other words, we are all human, we all suffer and struggle (even if that suffering looks different from person to person), and we all make mistakes.
When your needs aren’t being met and your critical voice is shouting and trying to “save” you, showing yourself compassion can ease your immediate suffering, help you get out of the perfectionist trap, and open the door to exploring how you can get your needs met in a way that doesn’t require restriction or self-flagellation — or make you try to be someone other than your wonderful, authentic self.
For more information on self-compassion, the two best starting points are self-compassion researcher Kristen Neff’s website, self-compassion.org. The other is The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion website, with fellow researcher Christopher Germer, centerformsc.org. This website is more oriented towards people who want to do some training in self-compassion, whether for personal or professional reasons, but there some more general resources there, too.
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Carrie Dennett, MPH, RDN, is a Pacific Northwest-based registered dietitian nutritionist, journalist, intuitive eating counselor, author, and speaker. Her superpowers include busting nutrition myths and empowering women and men to feel better in their bodies and make food choices that support pleasure, nutrition and health. This post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute individualized nutrition or medical advice.
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