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Bikinis, Clydesdales, and … Goggins Goggles? The 2nd Annual Twitchy Super Bowl Commercial Awards

    Welcome to the Second Annual Twitchy Super Bowl Commercial Awards Show. We had a lot of fun with these awards last year, so we decided to bring them back. We don’t have a red carpet, but on the other hand, that means that you don’t have to see any celebrities wearing houses on their heads or forcing their girlfriends to wear pantyhose as a dress. What we do have are lots of commercials, which are the real reason many people watch the Super Bowl anyway, and lots of brand-spanking new awards to hand out. 





    As for the game itself, well, the less said the better for Chiefs fans. Maybe they didn’t have the money to have the refs on their side this time now that USAID has been shut down. (Shhh. Don’t tell Roger Goodell we said that). But congratulations to the Philadephia Eagles who played an outstanding game — especially their defense — and deserved to raise the Lombardi Trophy proudly. Let’s just hope everyone in Philadephia doesn’t make the city look like downtown Rafah between now and tomorrow morning. 

    So, without any further ado, let’s kick the awards off with one of the best commercials of the night. 

    The ‘WE ARE SO BACK, AMERICA!’ Award – Carls, Jr. 
    The fast food chain Carls Jr. used to regularly run commercials featuring bikini-clad models rather suggestively enjoying a Carls Jr. hamburger while staring at the screen even more suggestively. Needless to say, these ads were very effective. But in 2017, the restaurant stopped running those ads because woke culture never lets us have nice things. 

    Well, cancel culture is OVER, and bikini models are back! 

    Honestly, who doesn’t want a Carls Jr. burger after watching this? 

    The ‘We Can’t Think Of Anything New, So Here’s Some Nostalgia’ Award – Hellmann’s Mayonnaise
    Let’s face it, the only thing that sells almost as well as sex is nostalgia, especially for Generation X, who constantly longs for the days when ‘we were a proper country.’ Hellmann’s Mayonnaise knows this and used their Super Bowl ad time to re-enact one of the most iconic cinema moments of the late 80s, bringing Billy Kristol and Meg Ryan back for the ‘orgasmic’ sandwich scene from When Harry Met Sally. Both stars still look pretty good for their age, and Ryan’s still got it, but just in case, Hellmann’s also added one of today’s young stars to the scene in Sydney Sweeney. 

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    Sure, it’s not new or creative, but it works. We’ll have what she’s having. 

    The ‘Please Take Us Back, America’ Award – Bud Light
    It’s been a couple of years since Bud Light lit its brand on fire by endorsing Dylan Mulvaney. They know by now how badly they screwed up. Not only did Mulvaney nuke Bud Light sales and stock price, but the entire fiasco was just one more domino that fell on the inexorable path to destroying the woke gender cult, a path that culminated in Donald Trump’s election win in 2024. 

    Bud Light tried to bring customers back last year with a pretty funny commercial featuring Post Malone, but for this year’s Super Bowl, they just flat-out admitted their colossal error with an ad purely consisting of men doing men things. Post Malone and Peyton Manning return, but now conservative comedian Shane Gillis has joined the cast for ‘Real Men of the Cul-de-Sac.’

    Nope, there’s not a man in a dress to be found anywhere. We think it’s safe to say that Bud Light has learned its lesson. The hard way. 

    The ‘Old Classics Never Go Out Of Style’ Award – Budweiser
    As much as Bud Light torched its brand, Budweiser has been doing everything it can for the past couple of years to distance itself from its little brother. The Budweiser Clydesdales have been a staple of Super Bowl ads for as long as we can remember, and the company saw no reason to change this year (someone should have delivered this lesson to Bud Light’s ex-marketing team). This year’s ad featured ‘The Little Clydesdale That Could,’ a young foal who went to great lengths to prove he could deliver the beer just as well as the full-grown horses could. The entire ad is outstanding. 





    Come on! If you are not rooting for that foal the entire way through, there’s something seriously wrong with you. 

    The ‘We Think Humans Are Incredibly Stupid’ Award – Salesforce
    We haven’t seen a really cringe commercial yet and, as much as we’d like to keep that streak going, we cannot. Salesforce somehow thought it would be a great idea to create an ad where Matthew McConaughey is incapable of making restaurant reservations or ordering off of a menu without using Salesforce’s AI assistant, Agentforce. The whole commercial makes zero sense. 

    We love how the ad ends with the slogan, ‘What AI was meant to be.’ If that is what AI was meant to be, then we might as well scrap the entire thing before AI agrees that humans are irretrievably dumb and should be exterminated.

    But McConaughey is a great pitchman and really funny, so let’s take a look at a MUCH better commercial from him. 

    The ‘EVERYTHING IS A CONSPIRACY!’ Award – UberEats
    OK, NOW we’re talking, McConaughey. If there’s one thing America loves in the 2020s, it’s a good conspiracy. After all, about 90 percent of them turn out to be true, given a little time. We’re not sure if the NFL concocted the entire game of football just to make Americans eat more … but we wouldn’t put it past them. There’s a great cameo from Kevin ‘Bacon’ in here (and another unfortunate cameo from woke filmmaker Greta Gerwig). The entire ad is hilarious and hits America right in the current ‘we don’t trust anyone’ zeitgeist.

    Anyone else getting a little hungry after watching that? See what we mean? Someone call Alex Jones!

    The ‘Thank You For Telling Us What We Already Know’ Award – GoDaddy Airo
    Much like Carl’s Jr. GoDaddy is another company that used to feature scantily-clad models to promote its product. Rather than returning to that strategy, this year GoDaddy went with another tried-and-true approach: poking fun at actors. To announce GoDaddy’s new Airo website guilder, the outstanding Walton Goggins engages in some self-deprecating humor about how actors like to pretend they know everything, but they do not. It’s an old gimmick, but it works here, mostly due to Goggins. 





    Not for nothing, but we’d probably buy some Walton Goggins Goggle Glasses. 

    The ‘Welcome To The Party, Pal’ Award – Dove
    Suddenly, many brands who embraced the gender cult for years are discovering the answer to the question, ‘What is a woman?’ One of these is Dove Soap which, like Bud Light, tried to rehabilitate their brand with a commercial featuring girls playing sports (notably missing from the commercial were any boys pretending to be girls). But building back a destroyed brand takes more than one commercial so, in the wake of President Trump’s recent executive order banning biological males from women’s sports, Dove was out with another ad this year celebrating REAL girls, not the fictional ‘trans kids.’

    Hey, that’s a great message for girls. You know what’s another great message to #KeepHerConfident? Not letting boys beat up on girls because the gender ideologues demand it. Welcome to the party, Dove. 

    The ‘Best Baron Vladimir Harkonnen Impersonator’ Award – Dunkin’
    And now for something completely … gross. Ben Affleck has had a pretty outstanding run with Super Bowl commercials for Dunkin’. Two years ago, he and Jennifer Lopez cracked everyone up at the drive-thru. Then, last year, he, Matt Damon, and Tom Brady had even more fun after his breakup with Lopez. For this year’s spot, Affleck brought along his brother Casey as they looked for someone to replace Damon (who ditched them for a not-so-great commercial with David Beckham for Stella Artois). They knock on the door of known method actor Jeremy Strong and walk into a horrifying scene straight out of Dune. 

    Umm, these commercials are supposed to make us want to drink Dunkin’ coffee, right? As off-putting as Strong is submerged in a barrel of brown sludge though, it was still pretty funny.





    The “Stright Nightmare Fuel’ Award – Mountain Dew
    As if watching Jeremy Strong bathe in coffee beans wasn’t bad enough, Mountain Dew did their level best to haunt our dreams for years to come. The company’s ad for Baja Blast starts out boring enough, with musician Becky G taking a sip of the soda and being magically whisked off to a tropical paradise. But then the ad descends straight into Hell as a basking seal — with the face of musician Seal — starts singing. 

    Yikes. ALL the yikes. This ad was directed by Taika Waititi. We think President Trump needs to issue an executive order putting a stop to Waititi until we can figure out what the hell is WRONG WITH HIM. 

    The ‘This Is Every One Of Us’ Award – Coors Light
    Putting the nightmares behind us for a moment, we turn to Coors Light, which — unlike Bud Light — has always understood its consumer base. For this year’s ad, Coors Light used an AI sloth to let us all see what we look like the Monday after the Super Bowl, then turned that into a new sales gimmick by stealing from the movie Office Space and offering everyone ‘a case of the Mondays.’

    This was all pretty entertaining, but the highlight was clearly the ‘slow-speed police chase.’

    The ‘This Ain’t Your Momma’s Goldilocks’ Award – Ram Trucks
    Actor Glen Powell is a hit with the ladies (and probably some of the guys), so picking the Top Gun: Maverick and Twisters star for its commercial was a no-brainer for Ram Trucks. But using Powell as a modern-day Goldilocks? This was either going to be genius or a complete disaster. 

    We’ve got to say, we laughed a lot throughout that ad, so we’re going to go with genius. Well done, Ram Trucks. 

    The ‘OK, Maybe Taika Waititi Isn’t ALL Bad’ Award – Lay’s
    We’re still recovering from Waititi’s commercial for Mountain Dew, so we were almost afraid to watch this one. But this ‘The Little Farmer’ ad for Lay’s potato chips, which Waititi also directed, is 100 percent heartwarming and zero percent cringe. 





    OK, Taika Waititi. That was some nice work. We won’t arrest you just yet. 

    … But watch yourself! 

    The ‘We Have No Idea What Is Going On Here’ Award – Totino’s Pizza Rolls
    Did anyone know that Totino’s Pizza Rolls had a mascot? We didn’t. But apparently, the company thought their mascot Chazmo was so well known that they could create a commercial that was a knock-off of ET: The Extra-Terrestrial … and nearly as long. To top that, Totino’s also tapped comedians Sam Richardson and Tim Robinson for the spot, who are pretty well-known but also not exactly household names. 

     

    Zzzzzzzzz … oh, sorry. Is it over yet? That was longer than the halftime show. 

    The ‘Now HERE Are Some Dang Mascots’ Award – Instacart
    We’ve already forgotten the name of Totino’s mascot and we just wrote it. On the flip side of that. Instacart brought out some real mascots who we all know and remember. There’s Chester Cheetah, the Jolly Green Giant, the Energizer Bunny, and a whole gaggle of mascots we all know and love.  (OK, maybe we don’t love all of them, but most of them.) And they got the weird Old Spice Guy to narrate the whole thing.

    Now, THAT’S some quality nostalgia. 

    And finally, last but absolutely not least …

    The ‘God Bless America’ Award – Super Bowl LIX
    This was not an ad for any product or service. This was simply the opening from Fox Sports to the Super Bowl broadcast. The promo is narrated by Brad Pitt and even though most of his words have to do with the game at hand, the images throughout are pure patriotism. We got a few tears in our eyes watching it. 





    Did we say at the beginning that America is back? Because America is BACK! 

    We hope you enjoyed the Super Bowl tonight and we especially hope you enjoyed our Second Annual Super Bowl Commercials Awards. We know we didn’t get to all of the commercials, but we covered as many as we could. 

    All winners will receive a free pair of Walton Goggins Goggle Glasses … if he ever gets his website up and starts making them.

    Have a good night, everyone. Try not to have a case of the Mondays tomorrow. 

    God bless America and God bless our Twitchy readers.




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