As we learn in real time how breathtakingly stupid Donald Trump’s tariffs are — no surprise to all real economists or people who actually know what the word “tariff” means — MAGA influencers, pundits, and OnlyFans wangus-wackers have been trying out several ways to reassure the faithful that everything is fine, everything is going according to plan, this might hurt a little, but after the pain subsides it will start to feel really, really good before you know it.
These opinion-makers and politicians try to swindle voters into believing Trump’s message was always that this was going to hurt a lot, but someday, magically, at the end of the rainbow, that will all subside and it will all be every Republican/libertarian wet dream come true.
And yes, there are people who actually believe this. We are currently being held hostage to every dumbfuck white Caucasian conservative male fever dream cum fantasy about how economics really works. Just you wait! White conservative men definitely know stuff, you bet!
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent was babbling the other day about how we might need to go through an economic “detox period” before conservative Republican utopia cometh all over us without our consent. Before the election, galaxy-brained halfwit Elon Musk was assuring people that Trump’s victory would make things worse, before they definitely get better.
You betcha, bros. We are all loving your rapid unscheduled disassembly of the economy, and the American people cannot get enough of this conscious uncoupling from their retirement savings. The polls sure do bear that out!
Media Matters collected a few variations of the genre from right-wing media. They note that Fox News hosts like Jesse Watters and Sean Hannity are trying as hard as they can to ignore it, to pretend it isn’t happening, hey look! Biden spending spree! Gen Z on the beach sayin’ silly stuff! Etc.
Laura Ingraham, meanwhile, has tried to toe a more delicate line, assuring viewers (and Trump) that she is still committed to Sparkle Motion, but acknowledging that eeeeek, there’s been some eeeeeeeeeeek? She’s also shared some idiot right-wing “I don’t understand the world past 1985” bullshit about how amazing it’s going to be “when the manufacturing returns.” Don’t know if Ingraham is really that ignorant of how things work in the modern world, but the 95-year-old MAGA idiots who watch her while they wait for their liquid dinners to arrive at the nursing home, they definitely are.
And then there’s the Daddy Issues Guys, the saddest, most ridiculous of them all, and arguably the spirit that animates the entire MAGA movement.
On Newsmax, Greg Kelly and Rob Schmitt have been leading the “I LOVE DADDY AND DADDY SAYS TARIFFS ARE GOOD AND IF YOU SAY SOMETHING MEAN ABOUT MY DADDY I AM GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS CRYING” charge.
Wonkette had a whole piece making fun of Schmitt yesterday, about how all this is happening because Daddy has such large testicles that he is willing to swing them at and crash the entire stock market just so we can all behold the glory of Daddy’s orbs.
Newsmax Host: Trump’s Big Balls Are Bouncing The Stock Market
And then there’s Greg Kelly:
Kelly argued, as his show’s on-screen text put it, that “Trump Has Always Known What’s Best For The U.S.” and that viewers are “Better Off Listening To Trump Since He’s Proven To Always Be Right.”
Sweet, sweet Jesus.
But someone else even more pathetic has come along to snuggle up to Daddy and yell at anybody who tries to come close, and it’s a host from Ben Shapiro’s Daily Wire.
No, not Ben. Michael Knowles. Yikes.
Michael Knowles is of course the Daily Wire host who appears on the surface to be most daddy-starved of them all. Don’t know why, he’s just that kind of thirsty guy. He’s also one of the two most severely, bizarrely, most pruriently anti-LGBTQ+ Daily Wire hosts, the one who also back in the day shot at least one dude-on-dude sex scene for an indie flick. There’s something going on there psychology-wise, don’t y’all think?
Let’s Decipher What Matt Walsh And Michael Knowles Really Mean When They Say Vile Things About Trans People
Let’s see what he has to say about Father Knows Best’s most flawless tariffs. We’re just going to make some notes in bolded italics within the body of the quote:
KNOWLES: Trump did not run in 2024 on making the market reach record highs immediately again. That’s not what he ran on. [It is exactly what he ran on.] He ran on tariffs. He ran on bringing back American industry. He ran on necessarily raising the cost of certain goods, imported goods to help rebuild the American industrial base. He ran against the globalist economic order. OK. He ran with full knowledge and consciousness that that will necessarily cause some economic turmoil in the short term. [Haha, no. To be fair, yes he ran on tariffs, and how “tariff” was a beautiful word like “grocery” and “Hannibal Lecter.” But he ran on tariffs raining down glitter and blowjobs on people’s bank accounts.]
But he says it’s gonna be worth it in the long term and, even more importantly, we have to do it. [Daddy knows best! Michael believes Daddy!] If you still believe — don’t forget, most American voters voted for Trump. [Not even close.] And they voted for Trump as he was promising, as he was declaring that the current economic order doesn’t work for America. Offshoring all of our manufacturing damages national security. It’s damaged the flyover states, those small American towns that used to have robust economies. [These are the thoughts of, again, uneducated pig people who don’t understand how anything works in the year 2025, who refuse to learn, and who refuse to grapple with what that might mean for their life choices.] All that stuff’s been shipped overseas. It’s damaged the American families. It’s gutted the American family. It’s led to American men to die deaths of despair from suicide and drug addiction. It’s flooded our country with cheap imported goods made by slave labor in China, but it has hollowed out American society. And it’s left us very vulnerable as we saw during COVID when our supply chains were disrupted and we couldn’t get stuff anymore. That’s what he ran on. [Imagine believing Donald Trump’s brain — the one that aced that one dementia test back in 2018, allegedly, which he still brags about — has so many interconnected thoughts moving through it at any given time.]
To undo the economic and political and social damage of the last thirty, forty years is going to cause some tension, some pain. The market might not react all that well to it. Trump campaigned on that. [He didn’t. In fact, he constantly predicted that if he wasn’t elected, the stock market would immediately crash. He said when Biden’s stock market kept hitting record highs that it was only doing that because it was getting a boner in anticipation of Trump’s imminent return. Etc.] He knows that’s what he’s signing up for. So my read on the situation is he’s not gonna get spooked by a bad headline or two. He’s a sophisticated political thinker, no matter what his enemies think. [DADDY IS SMART! MICHAEL KNOWLES KNOWS DADDY IS SMART! MICHAEL KNOWLES LOVES DADDY! MICHAEL KNOWLES WILL NEVER DISOBEY DADDY AND MICHAEL KNOWLES WILL BE DADDY’S FAVORITE BOY FOREVER!] And he knows that in order to be a consequential president for one, to have a serious legacy, and in order to actually fix the problems, not just the symptoms of the problems, but the root economic, political, and social problems, he’s got to make big changes, and he’s gotta be able to withstand that storm. I think he knows all of that, which frankly should calm the markets [Michael Knowles is calmed by Daddy’s good brain, why aren’t the markets calmed by Daddy’s good brain????] because it means that for all of Trump’s apparently erratic talk about tariffs — now they’re on, now they’re off, now we’re gonna levy him on this country, now in that country, now forget about this country again. For all of that, Trump has a stable vision here. [Daddy told Michael Knowles he’s a stable genius and Michael Knowles believed him. Daddy would never lie to Michael. Daddy will never hurt Michael.] The broad economic vision has remained the same from his inauguration, before that, from the campaign trail, really going back to his first run for president, and even go back to the ’80s when he was complaining about the same kinds of economic problems and social consequences of those problems that he was talking about when he ran for president.
So, um, that was a weird look into Michael Knowles’s psyche, yeah? At least that’s how we’re reading it.
We recommend therapy.
Meanwhile, Knowles’s Daily Wire boss Ben Shapiro is over here all talking woke like Yeah, if Trump really thinks tariffs are gonna make us rich, about two centuries of American economic understanding right here says he’s a dipshit. Or more specifically:
“If the idea is that tariffs themselves enrich the American people, that is against pretty much all economic knowledge for the last couple of centuries or so.”
Ben Shapiro also said other treason words like:
“What is the goal of all of this? Seriously, I don’t understand. What is the goal?”
And
“I’m gonna need some clarification as to how this is actually going to, in the short term, medium, and long term, benefit Americans.”
Why doesn’t Ben Shapiro believe everything Daddy says? And has he even said thank you to Daddy lately?
🙁
Lest you doubt that this is all about psychology, please trust when we say that an enormous part of what’s happening right now is that white conservatives, especially their men, have severe Daddy issues, and cannot stand to live in a world where they do not know exactly which white men they are supposed to look up to and worship and obey. They call it authoritarianism for a reason. They need authority figures.
They need Daddy.
Unfortunately, their Daddy is an abuser and a goddamned moron. Trump and his slobbering servants are in the process of enacting every stupid, debunked techno-libertarian/Republican economic fantasy they’ve ever jerked off to. They actually think they’re about to show us how brilliant they really are.
There is a zero percent chance of that happening. This is Dunning Kruger Syndrome on an apocalyptic scale.
God bless us, everyone, this country is so fucked.
[Media Matters / also / also]
Evan has a side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!
Follow Evan Hurst on BlueSky!
Follow Evan on Facebook.
Here, a LinkTree!
www.wonkette.com (Article Sourced Website)
#Daily #Wire #Creeper #Daddy #Trump #Hurting #Tariffs #Loves